Hart-Break
Submitted by: Danielle via Submit a Kludge!
Favorite Thread!: Fixer jamisings asks, “How do we know they divorced? Perhaps she died. Cancer, drunk driver, brutal murder, heart attack, pneumonia, suicide…..”
What a good question. After the jump, see what hilarious suggestions other Fixers give for Lisa’s mysterious disappearance!
Fixer kc/cc says, “Duct-taped to water skis and dragged around the lake all night, trapped inside a big jar in the basement, zip-tied to a lawnchair and weather balloons and then set free over the canyon… The women in town keep noticing Jerry’s good looks and charm; the police keep noticing that sign has duct tape on it as often as not.”
Fixer jamisings says, “Abducted by aliens. Sold as a slave to some 3rd world brothel. Fallen through the looking glass to Wonderland. Went to the Mirror-verse and is currently helping Evil Spock with his Pon Farr….”
Fixer dono1 says, “Used her time machine to return to her high school prom. Successfully dug her way to China. Became a Jedi night like her father. Is in the witness protection program. Was only a figment of Jerry’s imagination…”
Fixer slapchop says, “….Or, After a night of working late in the dark room, she was overcome by chemicals. In an effort to revive herself she stumbled out of the back door of the shop and wandered the streets incoherently, finally passing out in a pile of brush and limbs. Then, the next morning, unbeknownst to the tree service crew, Lisa died when she was fed into an industrial wood chipper, and reduced to a bloody mass of gore and bone fragments.”
Fixer jamisings says, “Longing for revenge, Lisa made a deal with Satan. Now much like the broom in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, each bloody bit will grow an entirely new Lisa. Each seeking revenge on those who did her wrong. From the tree service crew to that kid who once cut in front of her in line for the jungle gym at school. All shall feel her wrath – and her duct tape! Look out, Jerry! Lisa’s coming for you next!”
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Looks like there was divorce.
Nop, the case is that Jerry’s partner wanted to have some cool name (like mr.pink does in “Reservoir Dogs”) so he just changed his name from “Charlie Lisa” to “Charlie Hart”. Can’t blame him for that!
It’s also entirely possible that Jerry and Lisa were a brother/sister team (or two sisters; I’ve known girls named Jerry, though Jerri is more common), and Lisa bailed out of the business because she got married.
Sadly, these days, the divorce is more likely, since I think there are about 3.5 divorces per marriage now. But the other explanation is still possible.
Duct Tape really can fix anything.
Everything except relationships
Even those! I’ll show you… Ok, wrap that around you… Then around you, my good sir… Ok, done! *Walks out of the way to reveal a ‘couple’ duct taped together* Viola, you now can spend the rest of eternity with that special someone!
I guess he’ll still photograph your wedding, just don’t expect him to be in the mood for it. Doesn’t help that she got all the office supplies in the settlement, especially the Wite-Out.
I once saw something a bit similar in the errata to a book — they corrected not only some typos and technical mistakes but also removed the handful of references to a woman’s name; my guess was that it was the author’s wife, now ex-wife.
Not quite as bad as getting a tattoo of your girlfriend’s name. But almost.
———
Visit my site to read my newly published story, “Ragnarok.”
A little bit of duct tape can fix the sign, but it will take a LOT of duct tape to fix the broken heart.
How much to fix a broken Hart?
I’ll bet he fixed all of his business cards the same way.
“Mr. Hart, we paid you extra to touch up our son’s senior pictures so that he has a clean-looking complexion.”
“Right…are you unhappy with my work?”
“Considering you drew X’s all over his face on the pictures to hide the acne, yes! We are VERY unhappy!”
I guess their relationship developed from a positive, into a negative.
The negatives were always in there, but now they’ve been exposed.
I guess Lisa’s flaws finally came into focus.
Their relationship faded over time.
things weren’t going well in the darkroom.
Too much f-stop, not enough G-Spot.
Don’t worry, we can stop it and fix it after it develops.
gawd i luv you
Their relationship sure was a colourful one.
True. Not everything in a relationship is black and white.
This is why you NEVER go into business with your spouse…
Awww… Broken-Harted
Unfortunately for Jerry, Lisa’s body was found two days later in the dumpster behind the store, wrapped in an old tarp and, you guessed it, bound in duct tape.
Apparently he just wasn’t the prints she was waiting for.
You get a gold star for that one.
yes, and he didn’t have a big enough pic.
Why didn’t he just get an enlargement?
Good one!
Winrar!
Maybe Lisa did this to the sign herself—she’s been trying to explain to Jerry for a while how she’s been wanting out, and so one day, she finally told him in language he could understand.
He never was very good at seeing the big picture.
Love each other tender, don’t have suspicious minds, and don’t be cruel. That way you won’t be all shook up in Hartbreak Photography.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Guess this studio must be in Vegas. And now even Lisa has left the building.
She just went into another line of business, running a hotel.
She just went into another line of business, running a
hotelbrothel.Fixed!
(actually, no, it’s in Rochester, MN)
Actually no it’s in New Hampton Iowa
How do we know they divorced? Perhaps she died. Cancer, drunk driver, brutal murder, heart attack, pneumonia, suicide…..
Duct-taped to water skis and dragged around the lake all night, trapped inside a big jar in the basement, zip-tied to a lawnchair and weather balloons and then set free over the canyon… The women in town keep noticing Jerry’s good looks and charm; the police keep noticing that sign has duct tape on it as often as not.
Abducted by aliens. Sold as a slave to some 3rd world brothel. Fallen through the looking glass to Wonderland. Went to the Mirror-verse and is currently helping Evil Spock with his Pon Farr….
Used her time machine to return to her high school prom. Successfully dug her way to China. Became a Jedi night like her father. Is in the witness protection program. Was only a figment of Jerry’s imagination…
….Or, After a night of working late in the dark room, she was overcome by chemicals. In an effort to revive herself she stumbled out of the back door of the shop and wandered the streets incoherently, finally passing out in a pile of brush and limbs. Then, the next morning, unbeknownst to the tree service crew, Lisa died when she was fed into an industrial wood chipper, and reduced to a bloody mass of gore and bone fragments.
Longing for revenge, Lisa made a deal with Satan. Now much like the broom in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, each bloody bit will grow an entirely new Lisa. Each seeking revenge on those who did her wrong. From the tree service crew to that kid who once cut in front of her in line for the jungle gym at school. All shall feel her wrath – and her duct tape!
Look out, Jerry! Lisa’s coming for you next!
Granted, Jerry deserves every bit of the horrible vengence that only ten thousand Satanic Lisa’s can deliver. (The alimony payments on ten thousand ex-wives is sufficient in itself.) But, c’mon the tree service guys just made an innocent mistake.
When you sell your soul to Satan you also sell every bit of your logic. Just look at whomever wrote the script for the movie Home Alone.
Oooh, don’t forget, that one also spawned at least two sequels.
*fire and brimstone*
*shudders* Now you’re scaring me.
Woo! Hey look! We got in as favorite comments!
Turns out Lisa _was_ Jerry, if you know what I mean.
Townspeople eventually noticed that they were never in the room at the same time, one often making excuses to leave just in time for the other to arrive in ill-fitting clothes and sporting (variously) a mustache or a pair of boobs (both at an angle).
One intervention and some psych meds later, and Jerry is Jerry again.
Actually, it’s Jerry who died*). Lisa then performed a sex-change operation on her/himself using a stanley knife and superglue, padding her curvaceous figure with builder’s foam to resemble Jerry’s more rotund posture, and keeping excess bulges in check with judiciously applied duct tape.
*) the exact way of death is unknown. His body is thought to have been in the barrel of chemical waste from the darkroom that was collected from the premises by the recycling plant the day after Lisa was said to have left for Zambia. Equally, Lisa’s motives for this deed are shrouded in mystery,
You can read it in those two bitsa duct tape. they say ‘she left me’ in the language of divorce
Taping off the shrew.
+1 subtle theater reference
How unprofessional…. he forgot to cross out the “&”! I mean, really! Who does that? XD
“What was the problem with your wife?”
“No Leica.”
Lisa must be his X wife.
It was a grand development, their marriage, but he forgot to fix it for eternity. Therefore it washed out. Sad, but these things happen.
Every time they were alone in a dark room together, Jerry would reach for Lisa, but her dodging left him burning and enlarged. “Stop! Bath!” she would yell in disgust. If only he’d been washed, it wouldn’t have ended this way, filtered down into some weird illusion of the happiness they’d once known.
what?
film processing puns!
More, as things develop.
Should this be on Friends of Irony?
This kludge has the best title ever.
Too bad there’s no market for divorce photography.
Divorce photography? There are LOTS of private investigators who do that all day long.
Lisa is a hart-less woman.
Breaking up is hard to do, but what’s it gonna be like for Jerry to go through the rest of his professional life with a meaningless, ampersand for a middle name?
we all saw the signs of Jerry’s rocky marriage…
and that Lisa would soon be an ex.
This picture has got to be the worst photo-shop I’ve ever seen!
lol nice one
It’s lonely out tonight
And the feelin’ just got right for a brand new love sign
A somebody done somebody wrong sign
Hey, gonna paint a little somebody done somebody wrong sign
To make me feel at home while I miss my baby, while I miss my baby
Or, since this is obviously a country music bar situation, “Hold my beer and watch this!”
Dang, it’s TAPE. Gonna’ TAPE another… oh joy, intrinsic pun… somebody done somebody wrong song… now I’m cooked for the day. Did you know the Germans call this sort of thing an “ear worm?”
In the US, we simply call it “fail.”
Don’t be cruel…
…to a Hart. That’s true.
Used to be a bar in town called “The Wife’s Place.” One day ‘the’ was painted out, moulded plastic still visible beneath, covered with an “X”. It was “X Wife’s Place” for many years.
zhoen, are you talking about SLC, utah? I heard that story growing up in SLC.
and now there’s a restaurant called “The Other Place”…?
My hart breaks for the ampersand, connecting Jerry to nothing . . .
HA! this is in my home town of New Hampton Iowa!
i have this very same photo
HOORAY!!! I was hoping someone from the area would see this!!
Printing a new sign would be expensive. Jerry is currently prowling various online dating sites focused on girls named Lisa.
Day 163: Last couple of days have been exceptionally crazy. The Good news is, I’m safe for the moment, and may actually get some sleep soon. Jerry said he’d keep watch for awhile. I feel bad for him after what happened to Lisa. She was a true duct-tape artisan if this old photo shop is any indication. Jeez, everything here is made out of duct tape! After I escaped the fireworks factory, I ran into Jerry and Lisa trying to get supplies after the zombies had left(apparently for the fireworks factory). They’d found a pallet load of duct tape and were trying to get up the stairs when the cables snapped. Lisa never had a chance. In honor of her memory, we decided to mark her passing on the sign with her favorite medium…
Anyone notice the irony that they… err he is a wedding photographer? lol
My dad told me he once saw a law firm in Cork called “Argews and Fibbs”. No joke.
Changed name and went to Guatemala to search for her Mayan roots, discover that she is the reason for 2012 and stayed there to stop this nonsense
How do we know that they weren’t brother and sister?!
Notice he didn’t cross out the “&” XP
Jerry found a way to F-stop her over exposure by capturing her in the shutter and slowly made her disappear with some clever use of the aperture. The duct tape on the sign was just for style points.
And it was then that Jerry realized Clea had run off with her ex husband Dr. Strange, to live in the Dark Dimension, and fight the evil Dormammu. So, using his awesome kludging powers, he removed all memory of her from his mind to prevent anyone from finding out her secret.
Not sure who this Lisa character is, but Jerry was sick and tired of Uoa’s shit.
Maybe Jerry just stopped dressing up as a “Lisa” and resigned himself to be a full-time guy.
I feel so awesome for actually finding this sign
It’s in New Hapmton, Iowa.
Who knew anything good came out of that state?
Lisa finally understood Jerry’s comment, “We need to make some changes around here”
All wrong, she was eated by zombies.